I won't always love what I'll never have. I won't always live in my regrets.

So many mixed feelings this morning. I know the dull roar of it would usually send me into an anxiety frenzy. But today is different it seems. I feel the difference in my brain. A strength. A strength I didn't have before. It feels like a different motivation is in this body. And I know as a person, as myself, as a counselor that ACTION is what will make this right. See a therapist, actively look for a new job, actively exist in this world. Do things besides sitting around watching it go by. Is that what was different when I was alone? What made me myself when I was myself. I had stability, a job, money, freedom to just DO and EXIST as I please. I'm not okay with people not being who they are because of their situation. That’s not consistence. If people who are who they say they are they SHOULD be who they regardless of the situation, environment etc. so why am I not that way right now? Am I scared to be happy? Probably. Am I content in this misery because it's familiar, constant and consistent? Most likely. Will action against this be enough? Can I just do different thing during the day, stop wallowing in my depression and find some stability in my life and myself? Will that be enough to make me more myself?

I've been sitting here, barely living. A shell of myself without even realizing it. And it takes a stern talking to, some unhealthy wonderful actions to be taken away to snap me out it. How do I know this is it. How do I know that ill make this the time I actually change? IT HAS TO BE. I need to be able to do this. I need to be able to change this life that is malfunctioning. Even writing that I feel discomfort. A sign that I love to sit in that misery. I know better. And I still don't want to take action. And I will. I am right now even as I'm writing this. Admitting things to myself that I never wanted to see.

For my sanity I need this change. To be happy I need this. For us to work I need this. I want this too. I want action. I want life. I want my life back. I want to live and be happy. I want a job that will help me sustain life and pay the things I need to. I want the freedom to do as I please, exist more stably in this world. The nly way I can achieve all this is through action. I need this action.