Are there rooms inside, protection from the passers by?

I'm here on this journey to find myself and finally make my life something I'm proud of and stand behind. And I've been home for months now, pretending I'm doing anything worthy of notice. Pretending that I've been searching my souls and engaging in healthy practices and behaviors. Like I've been doing things i love and that feel good.

Today i realized that i haven't done shit. I've been sitting in my depressed shell pretending. I've been masking all the sadness I've felt about myself. Every bad thing i though of myself, every failure I've endured. I've been masking it all instead of working at feeling better. I feel like such a loser. I'm not practicing what i preach in the least bit. I'm letting myself down. I'm showing that I'm incapable of the change i tell others is possible. I'm letting things that i value fall at the waste side, while i do nothing to feel any differently.

I want to be better. I know what it feels like to be good and happy but i haven't been that way in so long. There are so many things i want to be different for me and now while I'm lost in the shock of the fact that i haven't been trying, they seem so far away. I want so much better for myself. I want happiness, health and the feelings of fulfillment for taking care of my responsibilities and following my values. I've been absent for months. Floating about in this shell of myself pretending. I have wasted so much time. I feel so lonely everyday. Lonely inside my room with no one but my things and time that seems to be flying past me while i sit around and do nothing.

I don't like to do anything anymore. Not many things bring me joy because I'm always too busy reacting to everything. I have no baseline to refer to when things happen. I surround myself with people who don't share the value i do. Which would mostly be okay if i had some sort of grounding for who i am and what i stand for. I don't stick up for what i believe. And for a while it was because i thought i was being diplomatic and non-confrontation but it really is juts my cowardice and lack of sense of myself. I'm, falling down this treacherous path to misery and i see it happening before my eyes. I'm miserable most days; not willing to even get up and exercise yet i wonder why i haven't lost weight. 

All it appears that i have become is this vessel of anger and sadness that sits and waits to react. I have no concrete base, no center point. If i did i would be in way better shape then i am right now in so many ways. Doing all of this is so hard. Finding the motivation to live life how i want takes so much effort. I have no one to blame but myself. But i inadvertently place blame on others while i think that I'm taking responsibility. I chose stupid things over my priorities. I got lost in the unimportant things. I got lost in being social when really I'm just striving for attention. And now that i don't want that anymore, i wonder if ill even have fun with the same friends anymore. Which is sad and pathetic. But how much do i need or want to distance myself from that whole thing. My mind frame is different. I want something different but i definitely enjoy some of their company now, just very very differently.

This is more then i had anticipated it would be.

I need to need me. I need to take care of me because there is no one else who will while I'm like this. And even then...there's only one person who is willing to take real care of me. Int he way that matters.

And here i am reacting again. Feeling like, "oh sad little me that no one loves or takes care of." And i know that i need to take care of me and love me but its sad and frustrating living with a family that doesn't even know how to relate to you let alone care about anything about you. It's like living with roomates that used to love you when you shared their values, and now that you don't you're an outcast. It just feels as though everywhere i go, no one tries to understand where i come from. And i try not to feel sorry for myself because i know that it needs to come from inside, but it still sucks. And it has always sucked. And i ache for some family to care for me. Im scared ill always be trying to compensate for that loss. I want to get over it so i can move on.

I'm just not sure how to proceed from here. From this place of feeling lost and confused and generally sad.