We've chased the misprinted lies. We've faced the path of time. And yet I fight this battle all alone....

ya know. i think I'm feeling better. i think that I'm making really good positive changes. then i feel like my old crazy self. and i know that i wont just wake up different and better one day, but this makes me realize that i always have to work just as hard until one day I'll have to work less and less. and i noticed all my old patterns and i engaged in every single one of them. and i feel incredibly discouraged. it was different this time because i was armed with the knowledge of awareness for all those similar motions. but the actions for different and change just hadn't been put in place in my time of need. instead of doing different i just shut down and became overwhelmed. and maybe it's cause i woke up like this, but i need to be able to combat this EVERY DAY. the fact that i let it slide this day just shows me how much further i need to go before i feel completely different and act healthier.

and i know what the triggers were, and what i could have done differently maybe, but i wish that it could have been different for different parties involved. i know what i could have done different but so could have other people. and they didn't. and i can't change them. and  can't control them. and i know that they are sorry and that they wish they were different too but how can i put faith in the change all the time when this happens?

and i want s desperately to be the best possible version of myself but I'm worried that I'm just not capable. and i think the best thing for me is to do things i don't want. like go work out right now. or eat healthy or live. i want to jut lay in bed all day and night and feel shitty about this. but i think the best thing for me will be to do the complete opposite so i can clear my head and resume some normal focus and talk and live happily. and in typing that i don't feel any better. more anxious of continuing this feeling. more anxious of being this way.

and i get sad over how lonely i am. and how sad i feel that I'm not healthy enough to love. and not healthy enough to be loved. and i am so so sad right now. i feel so sad about this situation the past 24 hours for whatever reason. and i don't want to be. i want to be hopeful for change and excited for new and love. and i feel like we've come so far and i still have a ways to go....