who knows where the anxiety actually comes form. and more importantly where it goes when it leaves. i don't think it actually leaves my body but just gets displaced as other energy. and as i write that i feel it again. because I'm anxious about what i want and what i don't have right now i confuse myself into thinking that i NEED things when in reality i WANT things. i don't NEED affection. i NEEDED affection and didn't receive it the way it was needed and now i suffer the consequences. i WANT the affection because i have come to expect it. and just like that part from my new favorite book about my life (ha!). it was like a drug. i needed my fix. i needed to feel its high and i gripped to its memory in my low. i starved for it, i begged for it and pleaded for it. i lost myself in the frenzy of it. i needed to find ways to get it. to be extraordinarily wonderful to receive it. find ways to sneak a taste. i found myself in a whirlwind of highs and lows depending on how much of it i got.
and now there's none. and i WANT it. because i don't have it. the part of me that knows this just wants it because it feels good and signifies so many healthy things. the irrational, fear-stricken. needy child in me needs it still. the anxiety I'm feeling now is just a mirror of that need. the constant obsession of it and for it.
and here i am, wondering how to lull the anxiety and allow myself to want this but no longer need it. how to distance myself from the way it affects me.
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