Letting go is HARD. Allowing the universe to just have its way with my life is difficult. But i have been so wrapped up in fixing and wondering what it'll be like in he future and if he can act like this or how well be together or when. I'm missing out on the right now parts that are actually kinda wonderful. and i beg for reassurance. but since i wasn't begging for attention or affection i didn't realize i was just replacing one bad habit with another.
and here i was pleading with him, everyday, to just reassure me that it's be okay without ever realizing it. and i was stressing him out. and i was stressing me out.
and it goes beyond working on things. beyond: feeling less anxious; trying not to text him all the time; trying to not want to be around him constantly; trying not to need his attention, affections or reassurance. it means going right to the source of all of these resulting behaviors. being a peaceful, balanced center. how can i claim to be whole but still require these things of myself and him. how can i even think that by fixing all the symptoms the problem will just magically go away?
it won't. and i need stop pretending that by feeling any of these symptoms less without actually doing any of the work towards the problem is doing anything.
i need to feel WHOLE. to feel at peace with myself. to feel harmony throughout my body and mind. to feel congruent. to feel as though i am acting in accordance with the peace i feel within myself. to just do as i want. make choice and decisions based on the things i like and want. instead of filling my life with nonsense that fills the space in between what i think i want and my anxiety to have it.
then maybe i can stand on my own. and stop needing. stop needing those things that would be given the opportunity to just exist once the irrational need to have them ceases to exist. it goes beyond the symptoms because hopefully that will all go away once i feel more like myself.
i do worry that it just won't go away. that insatiable, never satisfied need will never not exist. and it needs to. i can't live hanging on every breathe. allowing someone else to not only fluctuate my mood but tell me what it is, and how strong it is.
I'm worried that choosing better just won't be enough. that the anxiety will get the better of me. that it'll figure out a way to win even though i am trying to think of every other possibility so that it won't.
it's like i can't think of what it is that needs to be done. maybe I'll list things i don't like:
- anxiety over:
if he'll act a certain way to me
if he'll answer me right away
when things will be "better"
if he'll be affectionate
if he wants to be
if he'll still love me
if we're working towards the same goal
if he wants me
if he wants to love me forever
if he wants to show me affection
if he'll reassure me
if he's definitely working on things
if he's gonna ask me to hang out
if he's gonna text me first
if he'll ever text me good night or good morning
if he'll wanna do nice things for me
if he'll wanna kiss me hello and good bye
if he wants to have fun with me
if he still feels the same when he's not texting me
why he's not texting me
why I'm so concerned about why he's not texting me
why i can't just not be so absorbed
why i can't just pacify myself
why i don't feel satisfied enough to not care
why he's better and seeming to not care than me
why i didn't treat him better in the beginning
okay that's a lot of shit to worry about constantly. and it's like, i need to just let go of it all. send all those worries out into space and no obsess with shit that is irrelevant. how can i expect him to be able to do anything when i put all of this worry on him and obsess about him and when he'll fulfill me again and make me less anxious. i need to just let every last bit of it go and just focus on ME and the things i like, and the things i don't and allow myself to choose good things for myself.
i think a first step is to consider my worries as they happen. if its irrational i need to discard it and move on. if it's something i want to talk about or write about i can do that. but i need to stop worrying and stop trying to control the situation and worrying about what i can't
which brings me to my point. while I'm wasting my time doing this, i am missing very important parts of life. wonderful things are happening in this process. beautiful natural wonderful things. and instead of enjoying them, i am over-analyzing them.
and i know things are crazy right now. and i know this isn't the norm. and i know it won't always be this weird. but there is so much beauty in it, masked behind the craziness of it all that needs to be adored and taken in.
that are occurring. beautiful natural occurrences that are just emerging out of the chaos. and they deserve their recognition. they deserve their place in my heart. they deserve to be relished and experienced. because they surely feel better then worrying.
and i am choosing to let go of this mess. of the way i was. of the anxious, sickening horrible was i acted. of the confused and unaware person i once was. of the way i couldn't see the beauty that was right in front of me. and even in the chaos now i see it. and i have my eyes open to it. not just my eyes but my heart. and i want to soak all that beauty in, every last bit of positive energy from these parts. because they will shape us. they will guide us from the chaos to clarity. from the confused jumble we were in to enlightened, self-aware and LOVING selves we are capable of being.
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