I think part of it is that it just seems so hard to take care of myself sometimes. I feel lazy but it also feels like utterly debilitating sadness. Perhaps it's a lack of being taken care of from my past life that I've brought with me. Ironically enough, I take care of others well. I still find myself less than cared for. Always. And I'm not sure what that's about. Maybe I feel underwhelmed in this way for other reasons and not because I'm not taken care of. Maybe I am well taken care of but am so blinded by this new roadblock that I can't see of feel it inside.
This roadblock. It's thick with nonsense. It's taken so long to figure out what all of it was. And I'm not entirely sure I have it all down. I think I am completely and pathetically lonely. I think that despite the love I know exists, dealing with the constant schedule changes and the awful shifts leave me feeling like I live alone but somehow still with the responsibility to care for more than myself. It feels empty on this place and in my heart. Not having the contact is so hard sometimes. Inside me wells anxiety for the day. Maybe it's that I have a lot of chores that I know probably weren't done by no fault of anyone else. The anxiety comes in knowing it's basically gotta be me if I want it done in a certain time frame due to the awful schedules we keep. It's nearly debilitating, at times, to know I'm mainly alone in most things despite the love that exists.
This is when, i think, the "void-filling" occurs. Now this is what I meant when I say that my "unwell-ness has taken on a new meaning." As far as I can remeber I've been filled with "the void." It's always seemed there. Who knows what created it. My guess is that it was left when parts of my heart were left completely unfulfilled but the people who should have left feeling completely whole and then some. When I was younger this void was just this. It was confusing to manage it. At times it just felt like raw pain. Almost physical pain mixed with period of anxiety and sadness. As I entered my teenage years, the void was filled some form of grandiose-ness. Being loud, drinking with my friends and almost getting in trouble. That helped fuel me. I chased it constantly. Then it changed to restrictive eating. That helped keep the void at bay for some time. Sometimes I wrote horrible things about myself. Sometime I purged. Sometimes I released the void in other negative ways. From then, it cycled. It would go from attention-seeking-grandiose filling to restrictive eat or destructive habits. I tried purging, restricting, altering my state of mind and sexual encounters. And despite craving the thrill each time, there was always that realization that the void continued to exist. Now the void has been filled with food. Same general sense but now altered to fit my new lifestyle. I didn't even see it happen but before I knew it, I was literally filling the void in the center of my body with all the food it could handle. Anythig to bury the pain of the void inside me.
And here I am. A few months into my realization, trying to get back on track. Trying to stop my destructive void-filling habits, but it's so hard. That void exists as it always has. Most times it aches. Most times im left anxious, sad and painfully aware of my perceived difference from the normal world.
So I wonder where I go from here. It sees despite my awareness, my seemingly engrained void-filling impulses show themselves most strongly when I notice the void quite vividly. But they're always there. Seemingly waiting for the right time, when I am my most vulnerable, to show themselves. I'm wondering how to combat them. Not yet, how to either fill the void the healthy way must exist or learn to live with it there and decrease the space it takes up in my body, but how to stop these all-encompassing, seemingly mind-controlling void-filing impulses.
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