again, it's been another long while since the last time i posted, since the last time i WROTE. and it's crazy to me how useful writing was in my life and how clearly necessary it still is. i feel much of the same as i have, the feelings are just distributed throughout my life a bit differently.
people have come and gone, and come back again in the past year. i'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing but the IMPORTANT thing is some people have just stayed put as if solidifying their permanance in my life. Personally, much has changed, and i'm settling into a new chapter.
but what would a new chapter be without the waves of anxiety that seem to crash over me at each opportunity. now, i mentioned these issues no longer exist in the places they have once before, and for that, i am grateful. i find that having my personal life, my most innner core, my structure, my anchors, are the most important part of my mental health. those parts of me are finally (FINALLY) stable. i feel nurtured. i feel loved. and i feel the most taken care of i have ever felt.
the parts of me that are now left exposed are my paths in the present moment and the future. i feel stuck. and honestly, a little bit lost. and slightly panicked. i entered this world certain of my path. certain i was headed in a particular direction and hopeful of that path. at some point, i took a detour, mostly out of necessity, but i enjoyed it. now here i am, more involved with this detour than i expected to be and i'm not sure where i can go from here or if i'll be stuck to live out my life through this new path. i know where i was. i thought i knew where i was going, and yet, here i am, miles away from there. all those skills i learned from the orignial path seem buried, mainly stifled by this new, seemingly blocking path. at each turn in navigating this detour i have met resistance and much despair. i've ncountered signs telling me to stop and signs of indeifference and of rejection.
i remember a place where i was VALUED, where my life had meaning and i felt like i was living out my course, living in my dream. and now that i'm here i feel less hopeful of that dream, i feel worried i can never again achieve that dream.
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