There's a lot that I feel at any one given point. I've been lonely. The universe knows how lonely I've been. But what is remarkable to me is that I didn't realize what I was doing to illicit such loneliness. I guess I should go back....
Falling in love was effortless. Like breathing. Never labored. Always there. Never gone. It was like the blood in my veins. It existed. I never questioned it and it gave me life. In this time I gave all myself. My whole person to it. At the expense of my own. And I loved every minute of it. I existed for this love for these feelings for this fantasy.
As reality set in, I realized that this could not be maintained. That my life could not begin and end in these moments. The most jarring realization was that my love would not in fact give me life. It has been a hard realization. It has been difficult to come to terms with these feelings. At first I believed that I was no longer in love. That since the love I had was no longer feeding me life that it must not be true and real. The truth is that during this time I spent much of it alone. I adjusted poorly to reality. I did not welcome the change real life brought. I did not enjoy being alone as I once did. I craved the attention and affection that falling and love had showered and spoiled me with. And I was so sad. Sad that I've been once again robbed of what I so deserve.
I've spent much of my time being angry and having feelings of real sadness. These feelings made me feel unloved and I in turn, stopped loving myself.
With that being said, I've really noticed something today. These feelings are mine. This life is mine. And all that falling in love was amazing. Being amazing. It was like an outer body experience. I was floating. I was just waiting for the moment I would just explode with it all. And then there I was on the other side of falling in love. Just falling. Failing at adjusting. Waiting for it to end. Hoping it would be less painful then the feelings I was feeling. And now, there's me. There's the life I have that I get to make of it what I wish. Neither fused not completely detached as originally thought. Detached is a scary word and it is not completely true.
In this moment it's just me. It's me and my experiences. The love I have for myself which should paramount all others. And the the love I have for others which should all consume me. And then there's him who I devote myself to mindfully, careful to give him what he wants and needs while continuing to fill myself with the same from him and myself. Careful to love myself and fulfill myself instead of relying on the feelings and actions of others to do that for me. Careful to be in love with myself and take of myself mind body and soul.
It's time to reconnect with myself. Reconnect with the person I am and back to path of my choosing.
And along the way I hope to fall in love with myself again. And I hope to stay in love with all those people who connect so deeply with my soul. And I hope to gain knowledge and strength from each experience.
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