reading all my old stuff makes me feel like i haven't really come that far. I've noticed so so many things re-read my past experiences. and i notice that there are definite patterns i find myself in. i notice that i cycle through waves of uncertainty, insecurity and feeling alone. i notice that weather happy or sad, stress exacerbates all of these symptoms bringing them to the surface, to rear their ugly face.
and i know Ive come far. know my life is boundlessly better then it was. i realize i am now loved beyond comparison, and taken care of better than i could have ever imagined. and yet when I'm stress, those horrible symptoms reemerge. and that's how i know its me. that's how i know I'm not taking care of my mind. my heart. my soul.
i notice this deficit in me. this void. this thing that should be filled by me due to the shortcomings of my life, experience and relationship with people who were supposed to nurture me. and sometimes i fill that void with the love of another but that's not stable enough for me. what if he leaves? he'd take all of that with him. ripping it from my chest, from my life. and i know i need a more stable filler. i need more of me in there, more of me to make me happy.
but i feel overwhelmed. overwhelmed at the the thought of doing anything therapeutic for myself when my life is in this state. i am anxious ALL THE TIME. there are times when it affects me less but in those times I'm anticipating being anxious once more and that makes me sad. Ive been enjoying less and less of this beautiful life of mine and obsessing more and more over things i mostly have no control over.
it sickens me and yet i feed into it. i wanna talk about it til I'm blue in the face but it never feels better. i want to be held and taken to some place whee i escape these issues and never need to return back to this reality.
the stress of it all seems more than i can handle even though i am told regularly that its not more than i can handle. i lack the strength right now to see myself for who i am as a strong and resilient woman. and id like so desperately to keep it together because right now i feel like a pathetic failure. like someone who has given up after being beaten down for long.
an d its true. i feel beaten. beaten down by life, beaten down by my regrets, my past actions, my stupid mistakes. and i dunno where my strength has gone. where my strong heart and my sound mind have retreated to. and this makes e more sad. because i know I'm there under the rubble. know that somewhere in this mess my true essence exists. buried but existent.
and i am ashamed at the person i am right now. i feel like I'm not trying the right way. like I'm not trying hard enough where it counts. and honestly, i feel a little lonely. mainly because the support boils down to a VERY small number of people. and i don't like feeling like I'm bombarding these people with my issues. and i guess i have forgotten that i can rely on myself as well.
i HOPE i can handle this. i HOPE i can make it through this. i HOPE i can be strong. I HOPE things will actually work out. I HOPE i can find peace again...
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