I'm having a hard time reestablishing myself after this situation in my personal life. i feel as though for a while i had everything all figured out. that my life was finally in place where i was content even if everything wasn't all okay. and here i am without the support system i thought i had indefinitely with this sadness. like i broke up with someone i loved. like i have this un-fillable sadness in my heart for the attachment i loved having. it was more then having a significant other in my life because i felt as though friends couldn't leave you. people that you love like that don't abandon you. and here i am blind sighted by it. confused by where it went wrong. sad that everything is different. lonely that I'm more alone then i was recently. and I'm giving into all those sad thoughts i used to have. finding myself stepping back into similar cycles i have previously worked my way into.

and i know I'm different now. and i know i wont allow myself to be that way because that was not me. being that way is not who i am in my core.

in my core I'm:

sensitive
kind
loving
caring
fun
happy
forgiving
outgoing
loud

but it seems that this situation has somehow temporarily stripped me of those qualities i love about myself because i have very few opportunities to be that way. i spend so much time alone now that i don't know how to be myself. that i don't know what it was like to be so happy. its sad to me that despite my life being almost in order i still am finding ways to be miserable.

and that's not who i am. that's just a symptom of the situation. what i need is to stop feeling so sorry for myself. to stop allowing myself to wallow in pity. to start doing things that bring meaning into my life. i can be alone but not lonely. I'm just having a difficult time with this transition. having a difficult time losing people i loved. especially people i didn't think i could lose.

i need to stop letting it define me. stop allowing the sadness to overwhelm me and to just exist as a smaller and smaller part of my life until it isnt anymore. and start allowing all the good back in...