i find myself in a position i have been familiar with before. and i know that i have contributed to it but i just cant shake the feeling that its not entirely my fault.
the situation itself scares the shit out of me. makes me feel vulnerable and insecure. makes all the insecurities I've tried to forget reemerge. i guess the point is I'm not sure if i need to live with them or if with time, and with good experiences my perspective of them just change.
having no one to talk about it makes it difficult. i know better though now which is something i take solace in. i feel resolve knowing how far I've come and how much stronger i am now that I've been through it before. and i hope that I'm at the point in my life where being that way is so beyond the way i am now. and returning to it would be abnormal. i know i am stronger.
but i feel beat down. i feel doubt reemerging its ugly, faceless horrible head. and sometimes i let it consume me. and i notice without that person to discuss it with i have a lot to face on my own. but i think i an handle it this time.
because i think i know my worth. i think i know what i can do with what i have. I'm confident in myself and the things i do and the decisions i make. i can stand on my own without needing someone to fix things for me. my concern now is that ill go back into that needy persona again. back to that person who had no sense of self. no sense of what was thought. someone who lived in perpetual emotional and mental chaos without the ability to see or act clearly. and i don't want that for myself.
but is that enough? enough to not be that way anymore. enough to transcend beyond who i was when i hated myself?
i hope so. i hope I'm actually stronger. i hope i am actually better equipped to handle my emotions. i hope i can really deal and move on. i hope my doubts go away. i hope ill be alright.
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