BreathingInANewMentality: Wasting words on lowercases and capitals...

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Wasting words on lowercases and capitals...

it has been SO LONG sing i last wrote anything remotely therapeutic for myself. and i feel the burden of it on my shoulders regularly. but i couldn't find the desire to write. couldn't find it in me to remember why it was helpful. and now six months later i am in such a different place than i was and yet so many things have not changed.

i am still the scared person that i used to be. scared to let go. scared of what may happen. scared of happiness. scared of losing everything. and I'm not sure how to balance it all. or more importantly let it go so that i can just live and exist and allow life to take its course.

I'm scared that things will be taken away from me. scared that the wonderful things i have now are not real. and that allowing them to fill my heart with any sort of happiness is like me tricking myself.

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My Solitude

Sitting here in my solitude,
I realize
this is where I am.
This is where my body belongs.
Waves of sadness wash over my mind,
and I fall victim to the pain
I have come to know as my own.
And I allow it to do just that:
Wash over me.
I succumb to the pain
and cease to numb it.
As the waves roll
I notice them filled with countless other pains.
Of loneliness,
the partner I once knew.
Of heartache,
the friend I once trusted.
Of anxiety,
the solace I once found.
of plain and utter,
unbearable emotional strife,
a lover I once lay under.
And I lie on this cool,
silent beach of my soul,
and just allow the waves to wash.
I feel every bit of filling
that these waves contain.
These waves of my life.
These waves of my presence.
And I do something,
I never have before.
More than fight them away.
More than curse their existence.
I let them wash over my body.
And soon,
to my astonished eye,
they retreat.
Like most waves do eventually.
And I watch the characters of my past,
foam away from my present self.
And find peace in their passing.
Peace in knowing,
I did not hold onto them.
I finally,
let them go.

Familiar

The pain surges through my body.
I close my eyes.
It continues
more forcefully then before.
I let it wash over me in waves that pierce my skin
and burrow deep inside.
I feel each movement
as it travels through me
into my core.
And I become the pain.
The pain is me
and I am it.
There is no divide between us.
And I succumb to the dark that emerges.
I cry out
silently to the world
to SAVE ME
but no one can here this
for it has been silent all along.
I die inside this shell of pain
this baseline of hurt
this is my home.
This is where I live.
This is familiar.

Live This Sin

Silent screams that stain the night,
I've lost my sense of wrong and right.
My body aches from all the pain,
this heart, it beats, with noticed strain.
I mask the pain I feel inside,
with urgent hands amidst closed eyes.
The deadened pain subsides from this,
and gets replaced with fleeting bliss.
But sadness will consume once more,
and feel like death inside my core.
It takes away my will to live;
my heart has nothing left to give.
I sense myself begin to numb,
against feeling the warmth of love.
I'll live inside my rooted death,
till I succumb to hastened breath.
I feel it scorch across my skin,
and so, for now I'll live this sin.
I'll close my eyes; forget the pain,
until it can surface again.

This Darkness

Darkness forms, I cannot see,
pain so thick, I cannot breathe.
The deep, dense fog surrounds my heart,
and death seeps in to all its parts.
Blackness blocks my will to feel,
it takes away my strength to heal.
Down inside, its roots will grow,
and send my pain deeper below.
Until it is a part of me,
it clouds my wanting to be free.
I close my eyes to let it in,
and mask my heart with longing sin.
It cannot reach my darkened soul,
in place of embers, a blackened hole.
I feel my sin pulse through my veins,
and in its presence, I feel no pain.
I look with hands instead of eyes,
until this darkness can subside.

Always Been

And as I look
into this face
I realize
that it is not my own
but
it belongs to a person
who wears a dark façade
upon them.
It saddens me
to see
how this cold and lifeless person
has challenged my identity
and stripped me of the
hunger
and passion for my life.
I have watched
as it has consumed me whole
and barricaded
the walls to my heart and soul.
This soul cries inside
pleading to die
or be set free.
The sadness in my body
runs ramped throughout
and
takes over my everything.
EVERYTHING
I have ever loved
or had passion for
is now viewed
through shades of gray
and my love
has been stripped of its life
and vibrancy.
All that is left is
this empty
silently half beating heart
that aches to feel again
to feel ANYTHING but pain again.
My heart and soul
YEARN
to feel this life
and relinquish this hurtful
fake person I have become
to release the pain I feel
that has fallen so hard
upon this emotionally frail frame
and become the person that is hidden inside.
I CHOOSE TO TAKE OFF THIS MASK
AND TO START
FEELING
this world under my feet
and around my body and soul
to embrace all the joy
this life can bring
and most importantly
to be centered
in the person I have ALWAYS been.