All you thought you knew was just a foolish assumption....

I keep thinking I'm working at this whole thing. and i notice that I'm scared for so many reasons. scared to let go. scared to give in. scared to heal. scared of things that are so completely unknown. scared of the loss that may come from it. scared of actually being happy.

and I'm not sure how to proceed. what would be the best step for me? what is the best step in the right direction? i can't seem to figure it out. all i know is that if i wade in this water, sooner or later the tide will come in and I'll drown all over again. 

i want good for me. i want my body to feel healthy. i want my mind to feel quieted. and i want my soul to feel calm. and I'm not sure how to do that. how to relinquish the control to the world and put my heart into it, hoping it'll come back to bless me with the warmth of good things. 

there are so many things i wish didn't bother me. so many things i wish that i didn't obsess over. i feel constantly reminded of them daily. as if they linger just to remind me how pathetic i am. and i don't feel strong i feel broken. i feel lost. and very obviously scared. and i don't know how to give up that control that i want and pretend to need. 

i pretend i want someone to love me. i pretend i need to be chased and gushed over and have affection thrown at me. but that's not the case. i know what i had needed and i know that pretending to need it now is just me attempting to fill the void of what i could have had. and i feel like now it's too late. like I'm fucked up beyond repair. like i will never find that peace i want. like I'll never be content in my most meaningful relationships. like those meaningful relationships will never be enough or well never get to that place of peace together. 

and i feel like I'm in pieces everyday over this. like i can't find the glue to put this all together. like the glue is me and I'm gone or missing. i know i can't be this person, because this person is miserable most times. or this person is craving high amounts of entertainment so that i can get that adrenaline rush. so i seek it out. and i know I've sought it out in many unfavorable ways before. and now all i feel is normal or sad, because i can't find a normal, healthy way to give me that high with out constantly needing it again. 

i need life. i need health. and i need to stop pretending to control everything.