I'm considering making my thoughts public. wondering if this therapeutic process of mine might be more so if it was something that others could learn from.
and there's this overwhelming feeling that it won't be. because part o this being so useful is because it's like having a diary. it's like having an outlet, a friend, a confidant, without actually having to expose all the wounds. forcing myself to collect myself and look inside for the answers for a change instead of to others or maladaptive behaviors.
and instantly i answer my own question. I want to prune this though because the content of the majority of my earlier, although seemed relevant at the time, is not. the process of all this is incredible. the focus of all my crap has shifted over the course of a few short months. I've begun to start thinking about things that exist inside myself instead of asking "why me?" "why this?" and I've never felt more aware.
and it's like bringing all these things up to my level of awareness where i can see them, touch them even is wonderful. but it also feels like i have so long before i get to what i want. to peace. because i notice all these issues so much more clearly now. and it makes me crazy. and i feel overwhelmed with the amount of them. so much that sometimes i can't even grasp a hold on them all. to the point where I'm considerably anxious at most times. to the point where i think i may need someone else to help me sort it all out. for someone else to give me that small introspective nudge, headfirst delving into these issues to find peace and closure in them so i can move forward finally. move in the direction i have been trying to go in all along.
and i notice how my writing has changed in the very least. how i used to talk about things. things and people. how people affected me, what people could do to make me happy. and although all of these things seemed important at the time, they weren't. because really they just masked lower levels of processing. and what i used to write about spoke of these processes. hinted at their existence. and now i notice this. in reading it all back to myself. that i wrote about these trivial occurrences and merely hinted at all these process i ached to understand.
like why i crave attention and acceptance of others. why i use my body to mask my pain. why i want to continue inside my pain, continue to feel sorry for myself and continue to act out behaviors that clearly are not working. why i can't help but need everyone but myself. how all these things and more interact to cause me to force expectations on people, roles, situations and of life in general. so much so that it causes me the harsh emotional pain. this pain that when buried deep enough emerges as anxiety. anxiety that makes it unbearable to even breathe let alone exist.
and i didn't know all of this 8 months ago. i didn't know anything really. i knew that i was a MESS, that nothing was as i wanted. and i wonder if i can continue to learn. if i can continue to give myself peace and hope. that i can find peace yet continually explore different paths to it. that i can continue to pick apart my insecurities to break down the walls of my issues so that i can live without he weight of anxiety and the burden of expectations.
and i guess I'm not okay. but I'm so ready to journey on this path. to find the issues, to pick them apart and render all those maladaptive behaviors useless and find better ones. to ease my anxieties and exist in a more peaceful and effective world. to find what i love, find what i don't and to figure out to balance it all.
and i feel more like myself then i have in a while. and I'm sure I'll find more things to fix. but i guess my hope is that I'll at least be able to maintain THIS sense of clarity. and just gain more along the way. to not lose what i have now because it is clearly enlightening. and today i feel like a really good version of myself. like a fully capable version. like today's a good rainy day.
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