I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself - To hold on to these moments as they pass.

I've noticed two occurrences in my life that are existing almost simultaneously inside of two separate aspects of my life. They parallel each other in process exposing the same thing that I struggle with. I guess it wasn't until today that I realized that they are the same issue and not two separate ones. 

I guess the first part is sorting through each one. So the first one has to do with my counseling skills. I feel confident when I talk about what I do or how I would like to do something or even in retrospect how I would like to have done something differently BUT for some reason I can't be myself and be a counselor at the same time. It's kind of like I choke and wonder what I should be doing and focus on the content and wonder what we should talk about. Then thinking about that gives me anxiety and I lose myself and I can't sift through it and its like I just want it to end because it's so incredibly awful to be there in that moment. 

This other instance is in my loving relationship. Inside of this relationship I am weak and worried and anxious constantly. I have moment where I'm myself but they are few and far between and become taken over by these periods of all consuming sadness and confusion.

And I think to describe these better I should describe what I think I'm doing. I think that in these moments I am thinking way to far ahead and way too far behind me and thinking about past failures and expectations. And instead over being in these moments and allow myself to just exist in this world as these roles not without planning but without worrying; I find myself inside of varying states of distress. And it is ridiculous to me because alone I am so different. Alone I am content and peaceful and resilient and able to handle issues and intelligent and confident. but here in only these two roles, I second guess my gut, I obsess over what isn't and more obviously I force my expectations onto the situation.

And I'm just in the awareness stage which I'm ok with. I'm still in the stage where I'm not sure what action I need to take. I do know that I need start living as myself. To start living as the being that exists when I'm alone. To follow the process and enjoy it instead of always worrying about the content or the end result.