All I can do is think and force my circuitry to rewire...

i need some clarity real quick. some incredible insight. because I'm dealing with some really ridiculous behaviors at the moment that make living my life unbearable; including having a normal functioning relationship. it's a habit i can't break out of. it's a habit i always seem to have and it's something that needs to rid itself of my body before it ruins the most beautiful thing i have ever had.

and i dunno what it is. I'm not even sure to describe it. but it's like a need maybe. a need to feel loved a need for attention. but it's so way more then that. because a sense of irrationality comes out of it too. like i compile all these needs i have from the insufficient experiences of my past. and i put this on this one solitary human being. then, because of those needs, i have all these expectations for this person. how he should act towards me, how he should be with me, how he be in general. and i then pick at it with questions that are too stupid to acknowledge. not because they're about feelings but because my motivation for asking them is so misconstrued, so irrational that there's no real point to asking them. so there's all this and i then start feeling incredibly irrational about it, jumping to ridiculous conclusions smothering my true self and this person as well. Then comes the anxiety, very naturally too, which also means i ave probably started to argue about this and began wondering "why is he doing this to me? "why can't he just be -blank-" 

and it's absurd really. because this WHOLE time, I'm doing this, when i could actually just be enjoying what's going on. enjoying the beauty of this ride. this journey to being at peace with myself so i can be healthy. so we can be happy together.

it's like i lose sight of what I'm doing. like I'm so interested at times with when will this situation be that thing that i want, that i miss what's going on now and I'm not allowing the situation to cultivate itself into something beautiful. maybe part of that has to do with me being scared that when this has become cultivated into that beautiful thing it won't reach my expectations. which is not something i want to do anymore. i want to let it be and let it grow as it will. i want to watch it flourish. i want to stop sabotaging myself. i want allow love to happen.