I feel overwhelmed. Enough to bring me to tears. And I want to fall. I want to let myself cry and feel sorry for myself. But I know that it won't do anything for me. Feeling sorry for myself has never worked in the past and know now that it won't ever make me feel better. So I know I need to be strong. And I need to take care of the things that are causing me this stress. And I need to engage in self-care.
But I'm wondering how to release myself from this stress, deal with what's going on, allow this stuff to exist and let it was over me without letting it get to me. I worry that not WANTING to feel sorry for myself won't be enough to not.
And my anxiety is through the roof. It's so ridiculous. And I try to rationalize it and it's too overwhelming. And I am luckily not at the point where it's a full blown attack but it is definitely having negative effects on my mind and body. The thing I want is to talk to someone about it. And two of the stresses in my life are currently preventing that: I need to get this job situated AND I have no health insurance. Sure there are ways around this, go to the school one and try even though I may not like them. But part of me wants to say "this isn't fair." like I feel like I need to vent before I can relive my body of this stress.
It feels horrible that all of this is my life. Although as I write that I know it's not true. I know that I'm not s stressed out about this as I'd :gasp: like to be. It's annoying. Annoying that my parents suck, annoying that I don't have a job yet, annoying that some things prevent me at this point from living as I want to. But I'm not drowning in an ever-rising body of water from it. It's manageable.
Which brings me full circle back to why I have all this anxiety. Sure, I'm trying to juggle things in my life at this point. School, internship stuff, finding work, trying to stay healthy, dealing with me issues, dealing with relationship issues, living at home, expenses, lack of health insurance. And I guess that's a lot but I can handle it. Or is the anxiety my body's way of letting me know I need to start sorting and dealing?
I'm not even sure where to begin. I know that I need better time management skills. But I don't want all my interventions to be preventative measures. I want to fix the anxiety symptoms. I want to fix what makes me crazy. And it's only been occurring recently. And it naturally affects me everywhere. It's most noticeable in my relationships, I let weird things bother me that wouldn't happen if I were alone. There's this need for perfection or something that I just can't figure out why.
It's like I have all this built up emotion. Like I stifle everything so much so that it come out as this anxiety at some inopportune moments Like I need to deal with what I have when it happens and then deal with each new thing as it comes. And stop pretending that things don't bother me. And stop pretending that "dealing with it" and "burying it" are the same thing. I think that's part of the problem. I think sometimes I think it doesn't bother me because I'm capable of having this thing effect me minimally. But the thing is that it does still effect me if only minimally. And these things need to vented or dealt with some way before I can truly release them.
Maybe it's not enough to have my down time. Maybe I need to think about what is bother me and get it out. Write about it or something. I need to channel it somewhere instead of thinking that relaxing is enough. Those stressors are still there, still available for recall when other stressors arise begging for company.
It's more than pushing it aside and pretending it doesn't hurt or affect me. I need to resolve that it does not and let it go. And I know that I need to exist as myself with it. And then pass it on.
No more burying. No more pretending that I'm accepting things that affect me.
The only way I can live in my now is to accept and move on.
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