Before i started this whole process i felt so completely lost. I was having anxiety attacks and really being a mess. There was a situation with some boy that i haven't really mentioned and I'll elaborate on later. But lost in that moment this is what i wrote, before i knew what action to take.
I feel lost. Like everything Ive ever know is wrong. Like I'm losing myself to some different, foreign thing in my body that I cant recognize. Its this overwhelming feeling of anxiety about everything. There are periods of clarity, moments where I find my true self again and I rationalize what Ive been obsessing over and realize how ridiculous I'm being. Then the same anxious feeling comes back again and I want some way to numb it. It hurts and its confusing. Its like feelings, emotions and thoughts mix and just form this blurry, lack of existence inside my core. I try to sift through it but I makes no sense and I realize how ridiculous I'm being. I cant make it stop, I cant coax it away for long. It comes right back. In reality I love how things are going in my life but I cant seem to FEEL fortunate the whole time. I mostly feel anxious and then angry that I'm SO anxious over things I don’t particularly care about. Why cant I stop obsessing over it? Its like I just want some feeling back. The feeling that being in the beginning parts of a relationship used to give me. The feeling that came from constant attention. The dating the kissing the laughing the having fun the being in love and feeling SO good about life and the future and about existing as one person instead of two. Now I'm stuck here in this place where I thought I wanted to be and I'm ALONE and I'm lonely and I wish someone could do that again for me. To like replace this sad feeling Ive always had, but somehow got masked every time i become consumed with a thing or a person.
I'm finding myself needing more then I have in my body. I search for it in people and when I'm alone its gone and I'm sad again.where is my internal stability? Where has it gone? Was it ever there? Why am I such a mess? Where are my coping mechanisms? Will I just floating in this nonexistent space of unknowing forever?? SO lost. So incredibly lost. I cant believe this shit. I know its always been there. Now I'm facing it as an adult. I feel a mess. Like I cant make it through. I feel it winning. These demons I battle. Its awful. I find the clarity then the sadness comes back again and I'm alone. So completely alone with this whatever this is. Its like a mental cancer. It eats away at me. Sometimes it goes away. Sometimes it comes back.
And as i read this i find myself noticing how long I've come since that moment only weeks ago. I find myself struggling still to find out me and the stability but the anxiety has subsided tremendously. I guess my main worry in reading this is when it will reemerge. Because it always seems to.
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