The journey...

I know it's all about the journey. I say it to people. I reassure them that the pain, the anxiety and the uncertainty does pass. everything is nothing more then passing occurrences, obviously nothing with even remain truly but what is the mechanism that stops my own brain from acknowledging my advice?

In the journey to find my own personal peace, i find that i having a hard time sorting all of it out. I'm wonder what it will take to organize these thoughts into some coherent manner. into a way that i myself can organize and learn to understand them and become more in tuned to their meanings and process. i want to understand myself, my triggers that send me into my destructive behavior and then finally to teach myself ways to deal and cope and form into action against such behaviors.

So where do i begin? My childhood. My more recent past? the relationships i used to have? the life i live now and work back? I feel like these are things i should seeing as how i will one day be sifting through other peoples stuff. Shouldn't i know where to begin? I don't. I know i want to talk about everything. i want a tell all moment where i divulge my secrets. they burden my souls and weigh me down. i need this release, i need solutions, i need coping skills, i need positivity.

AND i keep going off on tangents. i need a starting point.

My parents. my far distant past. I have cold parents. they did the best they possibly could have down with the tools given to them. but they were never good enough to satisfy my needs. they loved the idea of a family more then actually having one and making it work. i needed a parent to hold me, to teach me and love me. they fell just shy always. it's not their fault but its defiantly the truth. pointing this out only got me punished or beaten. Yes, bringing to their attention i needed MORE LOVE got me BEATEN. Go figure. I feel like the parents are the set up to all the emotional relationships everyone will ever have in their lives. Not necessarily that the person will develop dysfunctionally if they grew up in dysfunction (because lets face it no ones perfect), but in combination with resiliency factors and other environmental things, parenting your child will most likely have an effect on the way they will form future relationships.

So here at a young age, i embark on a search for love. i ALWAYS wanted a boyfriend. Someone who would just love me and want to be around me and take care of me, brush my hair back when I'm sick. No one wanted me, prob cause oi was trying to hard or i just wasn't "cool" like everyone else.

Not knowing i searched for these things because i needed a more secure base, i started to obsess and stress over. Every new boy was a new obsession. Most of the time i didn't even really like them. That's probably why i help on to every one of these people without really knowing why. I NEEDED to hold onto them at all costs. Regardless of how terribly i felt. i needed that fake love, that fake need. I needed to feel needed and be able to latch onto someone. I spent years, YEARS of my life trying to fix everyone else so as to fulfill those cravings of mine. And in the end it had never changed. I always found something different to be unhealthy with. Someone else to attach myself to in the most unhealthy way possible.

And despite that here i am ALONE. and lonely and wondering where my life went...