I have been on this journey towards self-realization for nearly 8 years.
And I have learned many things since I started writing like this.
I feel most at home, most in touch with myself and my roots here on this earth, when I am creating and exploring. It is so very important to my personal well-being to not only explore my feelings, past and present, and to not forget that experience has been my greatest comfort. It is equally as important for me to speak on how past traumas affected me in that moment, how they continue to affect me, how i struggle to accommodate and discard of what does not fit and also to remember that getting out of my head and putting my feet onto new soil is so fucking liberating. It is literally like tying a bungee cord around my waist and pulling my out from under the intensity of all of that. I remember to be alive, to be whole.
And I think this is an important balance I must strike in my efforts of self-care. That in order to be truly successful, i must balance out the discussion of process with the experience of living. That i can exist in this two places without having to graduate from one to other. I do not need to complete this one chapter to move on to the next. That sometimes life reads less like a book and functions more like a machine, many moving parts simultaneously in the same direction.
I think a lot of what i struggle with is to feel whole. Much of what i have been through these past few years has carved away pieces of me, exposing really raw material. Un-dealt with material. And that has been difficult to face. I think that I have tried to fill in these spaces for so long with people and experiences, which only further compacted any further carvings, and made the pain of peeling away those layers that much worse. I think something that i have come to realize is that we can never be filled enough to replace our experiences. We cannot go back in time and correct those faults. It is just not possible. With that being said, it is not healthy to try to use your current life to fill up hole your past has left. You will never be full. I will never be full. Because what would be most fulfilling is to have never had that pain to begin with, but without the experience of it I would not be who I am, so how could i regret it? Ideally, i could identify the spaces people have carved out with their inabilities to love me properly (etc. just my stuff), speak to them about it and have them correct their wrongs before moving on. But how is that even possible? It isn't. But what i have had to realize is that i need to stop trying to fill the spaces people have left open. I need to let them heal. And i need to grow. Just like a scar is a reminder, I will carry these healed carvings around with me always, but i need to stop picking at the scab and let the wound heal. And I can grow around the spaces. And create new experience, and remember places where people have failed me but continue to adapt and overcome. Learn my boundaries for certain situations. Learn new things about myself. Evolve. Find out how to be better, more healthy version of myself.
I began this entry beating myself up. Feeling down that I fail to remember in my darkest moments that writing has always been a source of catharsis for me. but writing this all down now, i feel kinder towards myself for having done so. Perhaps I've been hesitant all this time because i feared the exploration into my feelings. I think for a while there my feelings were not something I wanted to explore because i was confused about many positions in my life. All of those changes at once were difficult to adjust to and accommodate and hurt my entire soul. I suffered trying to keep it all together. And I think that I feared, if I tapped into the emotional parts of me I would completely disintegrate. That I could not yet thrive, that I must first survive this.
I am hoping that i am no longer just trying to survive. I am hoping that this is the beginning of thriving.
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