It's been so long since i last wrote. Since i last took care of my soul. I've been masking my pain with things again lately. And I've been more of a mess concealed inside a body that feels like death. I've been letting my health slip, letting my mind wander and have been generally depressed and lazy. I'm noticing in my physical appearance, not eating right and finding no motivation to exercise. I'm noticing it in my actions, being lazy, not doing school work and lacking the regular motivation to live and do everyday things that i used to find joy in. I'm noticing it on the inside, I'm feeling burn-out stressed out, and masking my deep loneliness through people experiences that are not good for me for the reasons I'm using them.
And i notice this NOW. When I'm near the bottom. Feeling more hopeless and lifeless then i have in a long time. Never feeling the happiness all this laughter brings deep inside to my core. Not allowing myself to feel the joy of the mundane that spins my entire world around. I am finally noticing that i am jut a shell of myself. That i am doing things that are feeling good but are not necessary good FOR me.
The truth is. I am so lonely, not for friendship or companionship (although i ache all over for that very differently) but for ME. Where have a i gone? or was i ever really there to begin with. I have completely lost myself in an attempt to really tear myself from the pain that is my messed up life. I miss R. With every fiber of my being. Down to every bone in my body. But it shouldn't be about him. It should be about me. And living in fulfilling moments. That make me whole.
I'm falling part in every way. Becoming this person that I'm not. and i feel like i am spiraling down. Into this dark depression that I've existed in before. I can;t seem to find the resource to help. And i know R is suffering in his pain. And i want to fix and i CAN'T because its him and his pain. And he needs to fix it himself. But my missing him clouds that every time. I want him to be better for me and us and that is terrible. I should just let him try himself. Maybe give him a push every now nd then when i think that I'm truly helping. But the pain inside i feel for our separation makes me sick. And i know a lot of that has to do with my own unresolved issues and my loneliness for myself, but shit it hurt everyday. I cry every single day over this. And i keep waiting for things to change and for the motivation for change to come back to me but it just doesn't ever come.
And i like hanging out with my friends and doing all that i do but i wonder if there can be a way that i can hang out and do as i choose without it interfering with the bettering of myself.
I need that balance. The balance that keeps me teetering on the edge f madness and insanity. The balance that makes whole. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe that's what keeps ll these puzzle pieces of myself together. But right now i know i am not myself and i am not honoring the things that i hold value in, the things that make me a whole person.
And I'm tried of floating around in the abyss of this world. I need more order and control. Controlled chaotic me.
"She's drawing X and O's into her panty hose. You know the city where I come from, the secrets I'm never telling anyone. Machinery don't fail me. I'm fixing these things as they're falling apart."
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